Please click here to view Becky's message. It is worth the 5 minutes it takes to watch. For those of you who would prefer to read, the transcript is pasted below.
I am hoping that others continue to be brave enough to share their experiences with needing to seek help for mental health issues. As people feel comfortable openly sharing their experiences in seeking treatment, the stigma of seeking help for a mental health concern can lesson, allowing others to freely and unashamedly seek help.
Crossroads Conference Story
Post-Partum Depression and Mental Health
By Becky Maners
Nearly 5 years ago, a baby girl was born - and so, as they
say, was a mother. From the moment of
her emergency c-section delivery, she let me know that she had different plans
than I did for how this was going to go.
I was prepared to "sleep when the
baby slept" - but beginning at just 3 weeks old she started going 10-12
hours without a single nap.
After a short 8 weeks off, I returned to my full time job, absolutely exhausted, barely making it through
the day. I'd finish up the day eager to
see and enjoy my baby girl. Her
caregivers would say she "had a great day." But from the minute I put her in the car, she
would wail and scream. I was convinced that my baby hated me and so I cried,
too. This was not at all how I'd
imagined it would be.
I kept waiting to feel better…when she starts sleeping more,
when nursing ends... Then, those things happened - and I still felt like I was drowning. I loved my daughter, but I didn't love being
a mom. I really wanted to. But I felt so
overwhelmed, and like I was doing a terrible job at it.
I set up an appointment at a post-partum depression clinic. The week or two prior to my visit I started
feeling brighter and when I met the psychiatrist I announced that I probably
didn't need to be there; I was feeling better, back to normal. He shared with me, however, that the
screening questions I had answered indicated
a low to moderate score for depression symptoms.
Wait, what? Really? My best is a mild depression? What might I
have scored on some of my worst days I wondered?
As I discussed my symptoms and history further, it became clear that my
definition of "my best" was distorted due to dysthymia. Dysthymia
is a chronic mild depression that often lasts for
years before being diagnosed, and people
with dysthymia may also have episodes of major depression, such as I had
post-partum.
I pulled out old journals and reflected on the past and I was able to
see ways depression had impacted my life
and relationships. And I decided that it
was time for me to change the story.
Depression was a reality I had to face, but it need not define me.
So what could I do? After carefully considering the options, I decided
to give a combination of medication and therapy. I
wanted a chance to discover what my "best" could really be.
Medication helped me in ways I didn't expect. It seemed to lift the cloud that held me back
from doing things, like having lunch with friends or joining a yoga class,
which in turn helped me feel even better.
Therapy helped me change the way i think or respond to things. I began to enjoy myself and laugh again, while
at the same time worked on being comfortable with feelings like sadness or disappointment. I realized that I didn't need to fight or
make those feelings go away, it was possible to feel them without being swept
away by them.
After a few years of feeling better, I wanted to try for another
pregnancy. But I had a lot of concerns
about what that would mean for my mental health. Was it safe to stay on medication? Was it
safe to NOT stay on medication?
Depression had already stolen so many moments from me and my family and
I did not want that again. Finally, I
decided it was best for me to stay on medication while we tried to add another
baby to our family.
In January 2014 our son arrived, and I was reminded what it’s
like to live with a new baby. It’s a
little like taking a white water rapid adventure trip. The river doesn't
follow your lead, you have go with the flow. It's easy to be so fearful that you don't
enjoy the trip at all. After my daughter
was born, I fell into the river and was struggling with every ounce of energy
to simply survive. My son's first year was like a trip down the same unpredictable
river, but instead, knowing what to do if in trouble, and having the support of
people I trust by my side. Both were
scary and required LOTS of hard work. But the second time around, I was able to enjoy the adventure,
to fully participate in each precious fleeting moment.
For many of us, a crossroad comes when you reach the point
where it's far riskier to stay where you
are and NOT change than it is try something new. Admitting you can't cope and
might need help is hard. But it can also
bring hope. If you are struggling with
depression or other mental health concerns, I encourage you to take that brave
first step of toward the hope of better and
brighter days in your future.
About Becky:
Rebecca (Becky) is employed
full-time in a health care IT position.
She began her health care career as a Registered Dietitian, and has
migrated through several other health and wellness related positions. She is
grateful that she had colleagues who were able to help her connect with support
resources when she realized she needed them!
When not working, she might be exploring Pittsburgh with her husband Matthew and 2 children, or
at home reading stories, racing cars or having a tea party. In addition to
juggling work and family, she owns
Charis Notes and Gifts, a handmade business that has provided the rich
experience of meeting and networking with other local entrepreneurs. In the brief post-bedtime hours, she squeezes in a favorite TV show or
podcast, while gluing, painting or cutting paper. She also loves Pittsburgh, and is passionate
and actively involved in building a strong community in the transitioning
neighborhood of Swissvale. At the end of
the day, in this story, she is a patient - like we all are from time to
time. She believes that personal stories
are very powerful in activating others to manage their condition and reach out
for support.
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